An open letter about grief

There is no easy way to talk to your Littles about death, no matter their age. There is no easy way to deal with your grief when you still have to parent them. You just have to get through it the best you can, and that's not very helpful advice.

I lost my Dad in 2014 to Pancreatic Cancer. He never met my children, and that's something that will haunt the back of my mind for the rest of my life. A friend lost her Dad last year and reached out to me asking if it was "normal" to still be struggling, almost a year later. First, there is nothing normal about grief. All those stages of grief? They don't go in order. You will make progress and then regress, over and over and over again.So I wanted to share my response to her, because even though it doesn't offer much advice on how to help your Littles get through their grief, or how to understand your grief, I want you to read this because she said it helped her and I want it to help everyone possible.

Hello my friend. Yes, the first year was a blur. Every memory and anniversary and holiday made me really depressed... and just when I thought I was pulling out of the gloom, I would get sucked back down. It’s like undertow. Even now, years later, approaching the anniversary of his death is always a dark period for me. I bet the gloomy weather is causing [your arthritic pain to flare up] and that exacerbates the sadness.

One of the hardest parts for me was that I could only remember him being sick. He was so thin and gray and weak and defeated. Those visual memories crushed my spirit because I didn’t want to remember him that way. Now when I think of him, he has his big thick mustache and dark hair again and his thick glasses, which means I’m remembering him from my childhood, and that’s just so magical! The healing comes with time. The sadness never goes away, and the loss is always present, but it does get more bearable. Sometimes something happens, like the first time Baby laughed, and I get a sudden pull behind my belly button that I’m devastated he can’t be here to see it... but I also smile because I think about what his reaction would have been. My faith helps me get by because I believe he is in Heaven and he can see me, even though I can’t see him. That’s what I want most of all, for him to experience this, and I believe he is.

I hope that helps. But I know sometimes nothing helps. You just have to feel all the emotions, the good and the bad. But being with your beloved pets and seeing the wildflowers and the warmer weather hopefully helps you feel a little more like yourself soon. I find that when I just can’t get out of the suffocating sadness that I have to force myself to change my routine. Take a drive to somewhere that brings you joy, go see a movie that makes you think about something else, read a really happy book that makes you smile and gives you hope, do something for him like plant a tree that you can pour your emotions into and then watch it grow into something healthy and better and happier.

Of course I’m always here for you too! You’re not alone. You’re not going crazy. Everything you feel is real and valid and justified. But don’t let it drown you, don’t let it take control. You know that’s not what he wants for you.

xoxo

-e